yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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