I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
