shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
