to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
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My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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