smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
