i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
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Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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