Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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