just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
