Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
