I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The Olympian is in my bed
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
