dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
