Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
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Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
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For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.