ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101