My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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