this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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