I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
