who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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