sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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