Swine flu. Run for my life!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
