I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
