It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
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i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
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Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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