Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
