drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
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