wat bout pragnant strippers??
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
