so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
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I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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