I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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