when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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