M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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