On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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