Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
do herpes really smell.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
