on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We need to get me chipped asap
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
