the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
