College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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