My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
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I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
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sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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