Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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