I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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