Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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