i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
