I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
