I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
