why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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