Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
