I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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