I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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