remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
