yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
tell me about the eggs
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
