tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
