Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
