I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
