whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
