I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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