i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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