Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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