hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He passed out mid-signature
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
We left the knife in your bed.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i've created a new STD.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
