i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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