im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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