and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I love how my cats smell like pot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
