Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
