Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
