I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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