your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
